Dread, fatigue and disappointments all rolled up into 1 and what do you get? There are no words for that, probably thats what i'm feeling now. Life isn't easy as it is but we all try our best to make it work or at least find the silver lining behind every dark cloud. What is hope? A fantasy that we secretly want to see happen. Is it faith? Some would say that hope and faith amounts to the equilibrium negating all that can fuck up your day. I hope to have faith is like a duality of a fantasy but unfortunately that remains as it is, a fantasy. I think about things too much, the more I analyse, the more it worries me and tends to appear as a forlorn conclusion to the questions that i'm trying to answer. Even the 30 min spent in the freezer room of eski bar did not clear my head instead it made me frozen, made me harder to reach, making me emotionally distant.

Am I being too nice? Naive at the age of 24 is really an embarassment and to be highlighted time and time again by the people close to you only for you to look away, not wanting to change, no room for change only for the shit to hit the fan again and again and again...each time, your face closer to the fan. It feels like I do not practice what I preach to others and that makes me a hypocrit. I tell people not to take shit from others and to live life the way they want. Who cares what others think of you? Thinking about it now, it just seems like a very naive way of dealing with things because the way we live our life is ultimately for the acceptance of others. Everyone wants to feel wanted, to be accepted by society. The problem is by placing too much emphasis into something, you'll miss out on what is happening around you, friends, family and events...once in a lifetime kinda chances. Yes i've been told that i'm missing out alot by being selectively emphasising on matters that should be left alone. I think a change in priorities and a change in my attitude to life is needed to get me out of this moment. As a friend once said to me "You got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it"...if that sounds familiar, thats actually a U2 song. I tired of being treated like dirt...the winds of change will blow.

IT'S TIME TO LIVE FOR MYSELF!!!

Been studying for the past week and instead of feeling more confident, it brings about more questions and uncertainty...when will all this dread end. The cycle of waiting for a period of unending anxiety only yo be greeted with disappointments and for it to happen over again like a vicious cycle. Can't wait to graduate, i'm way past my studying potential. Spirit is restless to plant my roots firm and deep in a new environment compared to the 4 walls of the classroom. It may seem like i'm making a immature statement here, considering that being a full time student is much better than full time worker. I think the fantasy of being a student forever is more immature...its like running away from the inevitable truth. I got to hang in there just until the 27th of Apr...really soon...really soon...