Dread, fatigue and disappointments all rolled up into 1 and what do you get? There are no words for that, probably thats what i'm feeling now. Life isn't easy as it is but we all try our best to make it work or at least find the silver lining behind every dark cloud. What is hope? A fantasy that we secretly want to see happen. Is it faith? Some would say that hope and faith amounts to the equilibrium negating all that can fuck up your day. I hope to have faith is like a duality of a fantasy but unfortunately that remains as it is, a fantasy. I think about things too much, the more I analyse, the more it worries me and tends to appear as a forlorn conclusion to the questions that i'm trying to answer. Even the 30 min spent in the freezer room of eski bar did not clear my head instead it made me frozen, made me harder to reach, making me emotionally distant.

Am I being too nice? Naive at the age of 24 is really an embarassment and to be highlighted time and time again by the people close to you only for you to look away, not wanting to change, no room for change only for the shit to hit the fan again and again and again...each time, your face closer to the fan. It feels like I do not practice what I preach to others and that makes me a hypocrit. I tell people not to take shit from others and to live life the way they want. Who cares what others think of you? Thinking about it now, it just seems like a very naive way of dealing with things because the way we live our life is ultimately for the acceptance of others. Everyone wants to feel wanted, to be accepted by society. The problem is by placing too much emphasis into something, you'll miss out on what is happening around you, friends, family and events...once in a lifetime kinda chances. Yes i've been told that i'm missing out alot by being selectively emphasising on matters that should be left alone. I think a change in priorities and a change in my attitude to life is needed to get me out of this moment. As a friend once said to me "You got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it"...if that sounds familiar, thats actually a U2 song. I tired of being treated like dirt...the winds of change will blow.

IT'S TIME TO LIVE FOR MYSELF!!!

Been studying for the past week and instead of feeling more confident, it brings about more questions and uncertainty...when will all this dread end. The cycle of waiting for a period of unending anxiety only yo be greeted with disappointments and for it to happen over again like a vicious cycle. Can't wait to graduate, i'm way past my studying potential. Spirit is restless to plant my roots firm and deep in a new environment compared to the 4 walls of the classroom. It may seem like i'm making a immature statement here, considering that being a full time student is much better than full time worker. I think the fantasy of being a student forever is more immature...its like running away from the inevitable truth. I got to hang in there just until the 27th of Apr...really soon...really soon...

Hahaha so here I am at Ice Cold Beer with the gang and updating this blog as they are gossiping about the latest happenings. Yes rong mei is complaining about something to everyone. So the usual suspects are scb, freeuns, rong mei, lionel and of course yours truely, the greatest blogger alive. So anyways, I guess most of you fans out there have been missing out of your daily doses of classes.

So back to where I left off. Yes last week has been much better in terms of my computer problems. Manage to restore the image of my hard drive and everything so far has been dandy. I think nothing much to complain right now. Exams are coming and i'm sweating literally. Aiyah I think no time to update this blog at the moment unless I can manage to squeeze sometime out. I think you guys have heard this many times about the current semester being the make or break but this time it is real. Regardless of the outcome, this sem will be the last for me in NTU. If I make it, I would be on IA next sem, if not I will be going back to the hell hole (read SAF). Ok...scb is now looking over my shoulders as I type this...it feels weird because she is reading it even before it is being posted.

Lastly just want to congratulate scb on passing her driving test. Haha although she seemed relaxed about the impending test, I think she was really nervous haha but now its all over already and she came up on top! Proud of you girl!!!

Alright signing out now! Happy holidays people! Wow freeuns and scb just yawned like they haven't slept in years...

Yes this is part 2 of my crappy week! Its alittle late for this post since its already a new week but I just have to put it down. I just pray it does not rollover into this week...pretty pls!!

A few weeks running, I noticed that when I run multiple applications and alt+tab between these programs, my screen will freeze for a few secs. Usually I will attribute it to overloading the CPU or the RAM with too many startup programs or programs running in the background. Started to see deterioration in my Fifa 2007 experience as well. I did nothing for a few weeks. Playing C&C3 demo is also very demoralising, the graphics lags even in very low settings and I just attributed the whole thing to an outdated system. Fast forward to last week when the ITshow is on, went down a total of 3 out of 4 days. Bought a 19" LCD monitor from LG only to find out I was not given an analogue D-cable to connect to my monitor. Sway! Nevermind decided to go down the next day to get it from them...4am later I spilled Rose Syrup on my carpet! I placed the cup on the table and while in the dark I accidentally swept my hand against the cup after turning on my CRT Monitor...was wiping my carpet dry/cleaning off stains at 4am in the morning!!!

Got alittle break from the swayness on Saturday. Met the gang for dinner/movie/chillout. Watched 300 and it was incredible. You guys should watch it for the action, cinematography, effects and the nipply women. Reached home and then installed my new LCD monitor with the cable that I got. Somehow the buggy graphics problem got stuck in my mind all night. Decided to check my graphics card after church on Sunday. FWAH LAN EH!!! The freaking fan on the card is not working!!! It causes the card to overheat causing the problems! Wanted to fix the loud "electrical humming" as well so I rushed down to ITshow for the 3rd time to buy a new graphics card and CPU fan. The card I wanted is out of stock so I got another but was unable to get the CPU fan...damn pissed, ended up walking from Suntec to funan only to find all the shops closed. Suddenly realise that Suntec had a shop that might have sold. Aiyah cannot think properly already.

Went to SLS today to get the CPU fan. Shaun accompanied me but physically he was there, mentally he was somewhere else. Got my stuff and rushed home to be faced with an initial problem of installing the new CPU fan and using the thermal compound. Manage to install it only to realise that the "Electrical Humming" is not from the CPU fan but from my old Hard Disk...haiz!!! Wasted money on the CPU fan...and the worse thing is that the "noisy" Hard Disk holds my C: which means I would have to go through the trouble of buying a new Hard Disk and installing it and then installing all windows and all the programs in all over again!!!

I hope and pray this week is much better than the previous...

Its been such a challenging week for me. Actually its more tiring and bad, I can do without the challenge. Seems everything I touch breaks, everyone I talk to gets pissed! I think the chaos spirit is lingering in the air! Monday played badminton with scb on such short notice, as usually decided to try out one of those "central" locations and as usual we got lost thanks to me. Booked for 2hrs in the end played only for 1hr 15min. Tuesday ventured into Orchard alone armed with a mission. I had to change the ultra-tight tee I got as a bday gift. Fortunately the sales person made the transaction as painless as possible. Feeling pround of myself that I don't have to resort to empty threats, I walked out of the store with a brand new tee that fits! Walked to Borders just to try my luck in finding a book I have been searching for ages (I had to cut through Borders to reach my bus stop anyways). Browse through quickly and THERE IT WAS! David Gemmell's Dark Prince! 3 copies on the shelf. $17.95...wah lau...torn between waiting to rent it or just let my impatient self take over and become $17.95 poorer. Yeah anyway the book is sitting on my bedside desk now. It got a little torned after I reach home...bad start to a new book!

Pissed someone off later that night! Oh dear its going downhill all the way. I do have to defend myself by saying that I was alittle misunderstood but its alright better to clear it up asap then to let the bad feelings settle. Wednesday watched Norbit with freeuns and scb. Oh what a day! I had to attend to a work emergency before meeting them. Left the job unsettled as I was running late already! Met the guys only to be hearing shaun on the phone for almost 2hrs before the movie started. Totally understand it but hope it doesn't happen again. Went to the 24hrs cafe at Cineleisure level 2 for dessert. Apparently the service standard there was surprisingly bad when it wasn't even half full. I think either they were understaffed or the staff was not trained well. I shan't go into details as I usually have a very high level of tolerance except that time at cafe cartel...overall a pretty bad day for everyone...for some reason.

Problem at work has snowballed to Thursday. Ended up working from 10am to 10pm!!! 12 freaking hours!!! And its still not settled...I have to go back later to touch up. Remembered I mentioned that everything I touch seems to break? Yeah, I think I abit too chor lor...I broke the connector from the PVC pipe to the pump and had to go Lavender to get it fixed...then headed back down to TS to continue with the job. Did not have time to go ITshow yesterday but today is the day I get my LCD Monitor 19" of course. Hope it spells the end of problems...

Anyway I will be bidding Singapore farewell in about 3 years time. Once I graduate and pay back my 5 months of service, I'll fuck off from Singapore and settle my roots in either UK or Australia. Nothing here to keep me or look forward to, I think at 24, I have seen and lived to the max that I could in Singapore. Its time to move on. I might actually not go through the hassel of celebrating CNY rather soon. Oh and Milo regarding your problem, I think life is too short to worry too much. Follow your heart man, holding back too much will only cause you to expire faster. Like me, expired already...now have to look elsewhere to start anew.

Cheers ya'll! Have a great day!

Yes I am 24 already! Actually I turned 24 on the 1st of March, 3 days ago but too busy to post about it, nothing much happened on the actual day except dinner at Crystal Jade @Holland Village followed by cake cutting at home with the family. No one else was free to meet up till Saturday. Had the guys come over to my place yesterday for a few reasons mainly. CNY, my 24th as well as to conclude my semester break. Met Milo at 12pm for lunch then we proceeded to IMM Giant to buy the BBQ food stuff. Lucky I managed to buy all the bulky items on 2 seperate days so we had a more manageable load to lug back to my place. Washed the prawns and prepared the bacon sausage roll, finished just in time when rong mei and msh came. Challenged Milo to a game of Fifa07, beat him on penalties before Langston and Sus came knocking. Faster got ready the mahjong table and tiles...Haha...drag msh into the game to play 4 kah mahjong. After that people just kept pouring in! Frreuns was next, followed by Tze and Shenny (had to pick them up from the back gate with umbrellas), scb and sis was next. Wah faster open up another mahjong table...house become mahjong den already Haha! The whole time everyone was busy going in and out of my bedroom...I smell something fishy but little did I know...

Came 6pm rong mei, Langston, Sus and myself started to setup the pit by bringing down all the stuff and setting up the fire. The weather was really teasing us...rain, stop, rain, stop...until finally it stopped about 7pm. Freeuns had to leave for another appointment but marcus came in time as well. So the BBQ proceeded as usual until it was time for cake cutting...yes it was the highlight of the night, something everyone was looking forward too except me...so it started with the bday song and then they dragged the table with the cake far from me. I'm supposed to blow out the candles from where I was. I think I took 7 attempts before I blew out the candles, I was breathless and panting. Ok so they sang the bday song for me and as it ended, I sat in my chair awaiting the verdict. For those of you who are saying what is the big deal with getting saboed? I was accused of sabo crimes I did not commit and this was my punishment...it was going to be ugly! Lioneley came the last but its not too late to be part of the sabo and games!!! Pressie presentation ceremony next! Got a nice, suggestive bday card, skin tight red T-shirt and the adidas jacket that caught my eye a few weeks back! Lurve it!

Ended the BBQ with eating games because of the leftover food. Played this card game that was suggested by Langston. Everyone draws a card and without looking at it, places the card on the forehead facing outwards so everyone knows what card each other has but the individual does not know his/her own card. Everyone take turns to bet a certain amount of food and the person with the smallest number has to eat whatever food has been bet. People who fold will only eat half of what has been bet so far. Amazingly, the leftovers was finished rather quickly. We adjourned to my place where we played around of mahjong before everyone called it a night and left me to my rest...or so I thought! 3am, I was in dreamland, resting my tired body that was running up and down buying food, carrying stuff etc...then KNNCCB an alarm went off!!! At 1st I thought I was hearing things but soon the reality of differentiating between dreamland and being awake set in. In the dark I could locate the sound of the alarm as being at my bedside. I ran my fingers over the bedside drawer top grabbing anything I could find and putting it beside my ear...Nadah! Dragged myself out of bed, turned on the light and open my drawer ans stared in...nothing in there looks like it could emit that sound. Still the alarm persisted! No choice I picked up everything in my drawer and put it to my ear even watches without battery...yes its that dumb and i'm groggy! Finally found the bugger under my bed! Basket! Those guys got me again!!! Next day everyone asked how was my sleep...thanks guys but you failed! Out of 4 yes 4 clocks! set to go off at 1hr intervals, only 1 worked!!! Damn it but you guys still got me...BUTTHANKSFORCOMINGEVERYONE&ILOVETHEPRESSIES

Some pics...

Pre bbq activities - Mahjong!!!

The bbq-ers! If you look carefully you can see them planning a nice sabo for me. BBQ mashmellows with Chilli!!!

Before the main sabo...Langston's bright idea!

Yes! Thats me, the green tea cake on my face, red beans in my nose and face and strawberries in my ears! Not to mention a chunk of cream in the eye!

Cheers for a better year ahead for everyone!